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Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Not too long ago I saw the trailer for the 2011 remake of the 1984 film Footloose starring Kevin Bacon. Now I feel like I need to predicate my feelings on this latest reincarnation of Footloose on the simple fact that I know absolutely nothing about the original other than that there is a sequence in it where Kevin Bacon is drinking some sort of bottled beverage and then in a fit of rage smashes the bottle and proceeds to dance away his fury in an empty warehouse. I know of this scene, because like all rebellious teenage boys that age, I too used to throw bottles and dance away my anger in empty warehouses until one time I had unknowingly performed my ritualistic teenage anger dance in front of a bunch of homeless guys that lurked in the shadows and who proceeded to gang rape me all the while shouting things like, “doesn’t she got some purtty moves!” Needless to say, that was the last time I ever danced. But enough about me, on with my analysis of the 2011 Footloose trailer.
After seeing the trailer in it’s entirety and being confused for the first quarter of the trailer on what it was exactly that was being previewed to me, I came to the swift conclusion that the makers of the film, or at least the trailer, had no idea how to advertise this film. I think Bro J said it best when he was under the initial impression that he was watching a trailer for the latest installment of the Final Destination franchise and to be quiet honest, who wouldn’t get that impression?
The trailer basically starts off with the same ingredients to any of the Final Destination movies. You got a bunch of teenagers (played by thirty year olds) drinking and dancing in some desolate remote setting, a couple of quick cuts of a handful of teens piling into a car, said teens continuing to party in the cramped confines of the car while the driver makes the ever wise decision of taking his eyes off the road long enough to tongue rape some girls face, the car windshield floods with oncoming headlights along with the token stock sound effect of a horn blast, and their car gets decimated by an oncoming truck assumedly disintegrating all of the passengers into a red mist (P.S. I hope that kiss was worth endangering your dipshit friends buddy). I hate to admit it but it’s at this point that I’m actually kind of excited to see what sort of supernatural thriller I could be dealing with here… it is only seconds later that I become horribly disappointed.
The disappointment begins when the line, “public dancing among Bomont’s minors will be a violation of the law,” is spoken to a packed court room while the camera pans over the faces of some dejected “teens.” Before I am allowed to process the sheer retardedness that dancing is so dangerous and out of control in this town that the only answer is to literally outlaw it, the Mtv Film logo pops up on the screen.
It all starts to make sense. I quickly remind myself that this is the same company that decided to burst on to the big picture scene with Joe’s Apartment. I’m not saying all Mtv Film films are bad, but I know the track record well enough to be sure that this film will fall somewhere between the categories of “nauseating to watch…yet as bearable as a punch in the dong” and “awful,” and life is too short to generally trouble yourself with a movie from either of those categories. At this point, roughly 30 seconds into the trailer, I can safely feel like the actual film will not disappoint in the shitiness factor regardless of how many buses they show blowing up (*SPOILER ALERT* they blow up a bus in the trailer).
Now, I’m not going to waste time analyzing scene for scene and shot for shot why this film, so far, appears to be another heaping portion of diarrhea committed to celluloid by Mtv Films. But, I can promise you that at somewhere around the minute mark the trailer finally starts doing its job and starts telling the story of what the film will be about.
I imagine Mtv Films didn’t take too many liberties when it comes to the original Footloose story, of kid moves into small town (in this particular case a small town with a dancing ban). Kid doesn’t fit in well as he doesn’t look like anybody else because he appears to be the only kid in high school daring enough to wear a plain white shirt underneath a rebellious black leather jacket and maybe some dark shades from time to time. Kid is at first ostracized by all of his male peers while unknowingly ruining the panties of all of his female peers with his smoldering good looks. Kid ends up being a remarkable
dancer like every single kid his age in the town (you know, just like in your high school?). Kid finds out about town’s teen dancing ban…
Just to broaden the trailers horizon, as well as touch every demographic possible, there are a few random clip cuts to fill out the rest of the trailer like two buses racing (huh?), dancing, a bus blowing up, dancing, a couple of amorous glances, more dancing, one black guy, a bit more dancing, the warehouse scene (rape free I imagine), the music swells, and then the title card of Footloose in neon lights with one of the four Os struggling to stay on to the same degree that I was struggling to resist blowing my brains out in front of everyone in the theatre.
Needless to say, and even without seeing the original, Footloose is probably one of the last films that need be remade for current movie goers. I seriously think I would rather see a remake of something like Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure than Footloose. Shit, I would rather see a remake of Joe’s Apartment before a remake of Footloose. I guess the real benefit to seeing shitty trailers, such as this, is that they tell you everything you need to know, to know that you don’t need to go see the movie.
P.S. Who thinks Kevin Bacon is going to make a cameo appearance?